Dark, Cold waters, them
I watched everyone enterWatched them, close
Trying much hard
I still feel the cold
I hated to think of me there
But he pushed me
I fell
Dark, Cold waters, them
Screamed I
But it happened
The waters kissed me
Before I knew,
I kissed back
In love was I
With the Dark, Cold waters
I still feel the cold
I love thinking of me there
I don't want to come out
Plead I
Do not pull me out.
3 comments:
Hey Shali,
I feel that the repetition works, and creates a rhythm that works, but I have a few questions:
1. Who is this "he"? He is crucial to the poem, and is the reason for your being in the water, yet he appears in only one line? That was a problem for me.
2. The ending is repetitious in CONTENT but put in different words - why is that?
3. The last "Dark, Cold waters" appears differently, and I think its not so justified...why the change?
Joe,
1.I admit, "he" indeed is a reason for the narrator to be in the water and I could have done him better justice. But despite my mention of him in only one line, it is he who marks a transition in the course of the poem, which again, I think places him on an important pedestal.
2. Same content, different words-
I've attempted at highlighting a certain pressure that the narrator is feeling from an outside force, which is conflicting with her desire to be inside.
3.The last "Dark,Cold waters" is intended to look different because its role has CHANGED from being something that's initially repulsive, to a place where the narrator wants to be, probably for good.
I hope I've been clear enough in answering your questions.
Thank you for critiquing, Joe. Inspires me for improvement :)
As i said... i'm proud of you..!! Its a real good job..!! The next time u write smthng, i promise to keep my brain open :P ;)
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